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Future Thoughts & Motions - The Autobiography of Russell
Life from a different perspective
zimzat
zimzat
Future Thoughts & Motions
The main thing I've been thinking about with regard to my future is that it's time for change. I'm still thinking about what kind of change and just how much to change.

My first thought is to change everything. Clothes, location, phone number, online moniker, email, contacts, career, furniture, activities, computer, bed, and so on and so forth. I'm tired of it all and I want a fresh start. There is a lot of things I have that I no longer use or haven't used in years, such as old video games, consoles, books, magazines, wires, papers, discs, boxes, etc. I have over 330 contacts in my address book and rarely talk to any of them, many of whom are old colleagues I rarely talked to when we worked together, people from dating sites that often even a first date didn't go through, and more. I want to travel and get around, see the sights, and meet new people.

I've mentioned this possibility to three people so far, one of which is my therapist, and the other two of which had the first response of ”I don't see what problem that would solve". Which was kind of disappointing because it felt like they don't really understand me or how I feel about it.

This isn't something I can do overnight so I won't be making any rushed decisions and disappearing just yet. In the mean time I'm going to start playing a new game of "disconnect or reconnect". I've already played round one with my address book, Facebook, Twitter, and Skype lists. I've gone from the above 330+ address book contacts to less than 50, and there's another dozen I'm still considering. My next steps will include going through things in my apartment and deciding what to keep or toss, and thinking more about what I want to do with my career. My lease at this place isn't up until the end of November so it's unlikely I'll be moving before that.

Another thing I'm looking into make happen in the mean time is a vacation. There's a cruise coming up that I'm going to try getting into, and whether that happens or not I'm going to finally get my butt out of Seattle for visiting places. I want to visit Pennsylvania, see Philadelphia, sit on a beach under an umbrella, and go to more places unknown. Going outside of the continent (Britain, Japan, Scotland, Ireland, Hawaii) may yet be too far out of the picture, but it's still on my wish list.

Current Mood: tired tired

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Comments
legolastn From: legolastn Date: August 3rd, 2014 11:39 pm (UTC) (Link)
Getting rid of old "stuff" can be healthy since if you aren't using it the stuff is more owning you than the other way around. And simplifying social contacts can be good if you don't really have any connection with those people in the first place. Generally with this sort of "cleaning house" the concerns that come to mind are, one, that "wherever you go there you are" (some people use cleaning house as a way to get away from old problems, but generally this fails because old patterns that led to those problems in the first place continue) and, two, that you want to be careful to not "throw the baby out with the bathwater" (sometimes cleaning house results in getting rid of stuff or cutting ties that later one comes to regret). It sounds like you are thinking through things carefully though.
zimzat From: zimzat Date: August 7th, 2014 03:54 am (UTC) (Link)
The remark about regret and a couple of other recent comments by others got me thinking about that a bit more. It seems like people fear regret similarly to how some also fear rejection. The refusal to take action or do something out of fear of rejection seems very similar to this fear of regret. Is it possible to take this full circle to the point of regretting fearing regret? (that's a mostly rhetorical question)

I've made major changes before, such as moving to Las Vegas, traveling the country for ~6 months, moving to Atlanta, moving to Seattle. Each of those came with change and some aspects of loss, but I don't regret any of them. I miss the game nights back in Las Vegas and a couple of the people I knew there, but I don't regret leaving. I occasionally think fondly of my ex in Atlanta but I don't regret moving away. Where other people fear or resist change I actually find it something that I need to live happily.

I've started going through my stuff in my apartment and have thrown about 3 kitchen garbage bags worth of stuff out, which allowed me to collapse a medium and several small moving boxes. I've started a pile of things to sell, donate, or otherwise get rid of, and will likely grow as I decide that more things which I once got enjoyment from aren't going to get played again and that it's time to let go of them in favor of new things and experiences, sort of like how I re-read the first and last books of The Last Herald Mage trilogy from time to time.

PS: I'll be taking a cruise out of Baltimore at the end of August so I'll be on the east coast. I'd like to make a trip to Philadelphia while I'm in the area, before or after, and was wondering if you and Allen would be available? The cruise is from August 24th through 31st and flights are fairly loose on adding days for cheaper round trips. Would this be something you all would be interested in exploring, and if so what would work best for you all?
legolastn From: legolastn Date: August 7th, 2014 03:35 pm (UTC) (Link)
I agree that if fear leads to paralysis this is also not healthy. And maybe the healthiest way to live, at least in terms of relation to "stuff," is to live without attachment and thus the possibility of regrets regarding it (that's certainly what the Buddhists would say, no?). But I'm not sure fear of rejection or fear of regret are inherently unhealthy - it's what you do with that fear/how you deal with it. Maybe having regrets is also not inherently unhealthy, but I think it's perhaps fair to say that the more regrets you have the less likely you are to have good mental health/stability. So there's something to taking the possibility of accumulating regrets into consideration, to my mind. I personally have few-to-no regrets and I think that's a good thing, but maybe I'd be generalizing my experience too much to say it's a good thing for everyone. Certainly I don't think I've had a lack of regret because I've been paralyzed, but rather because I've thought through things carefully whenever possible - so even when things go sour (such as with my medical school career) it doesn't feel bad because I can see why I did it, that I made choices with eyes wide open, what the benefits were, and so forth.

I do know you have been a "mobile person" and if you find that change/mobility is something that works for you/is a positive for you, I certainly don't knock it. For that matter, my comment wasn't intended to suggest you shouldn't move or change things, but that it seems to work best when it's done with some consideration of possible outcomes. Which, by the way, as I said in the original comment, I think you're inclined to do. Which is maybe why it works well for you. I've been mobile in my own way in my "adult" life (various cities in TN to AZ to PA...and before all that many moves in childhood) and I'd say it's been a net positive - although my primary motivation isn't change, change happens instead as more of a side effect? I think.

Regarding availability at end of August, school starts on the 25th, so before the 24th would probably work best. We may be away Labor Day weekend or I may simply be overwhelmed with beginning-of-semester responsibilities. I think Allen's schedule is already set for the week of the 17th-23rd and he will find out what it is today or tomorrow so I can let you know availability. I have morning meetings/workshops the 21st and/or 22nd I may try to attend but otherwise am flexible.
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