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The Autobiography of Russell
Life from a different perspective
zimzat
zimzat
Angst inside, amoung crushing realizations
I'm tempted to go to my IM buddy list, click on the "Buddies" group, click "Delete Group", and the same with people on my journal friends list.

In other news, I'm wondering if I still want to go through with clogging. I know, it'd be a great activity to get me out of the house but I don't have a passion for it. Yeah, I'm that shallow to have wanted to do it because Caleb does it. Pathetic, huh?

I'm not sure I can have any friends, at least not male ones. I can't seem to distinguish between friends and potentials so I keep expecting at least one of them to be a lover. Either that's majorly concieted of myself or my mental functions are just screwed up. I vote for the latter.

I've decided that in a hypothetical world where there's someone for everyone I would find the perfect boyfriend and live happily ever after. Sadly, this isn't a hypothetical world. This is reality folks, and I'm not going to find anyone. I'm broken goods and I don't fit anywhere. I've had countless people tell me I'm a great person and I'll make some guy a great boyfriend but when it comes down to it why aren't they that guy or why haven't I found him?

One short paragraph about just Caleb. That feeling I kept getting about him not being interested in me the same way I am him? It's right. Not to mention he deserves someone a lot better than me anyway.

Current Mood: crushed crushed
Current Music: "Crash & Burn" by Savage Garden

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Comments
ellixis From: ellixis Date: January 18th, 2004 12:19 pm (UTC) (Link)
Dude, you're young. Don't declare yourself a hopeless case. There is plenty of time to learn and to find people.

I'll point out though that you will be happiest in a relationship once you can be happy by yourself first.
zimzat From: zimzat Date: January 18th, 2004 01:02 pm (UTC) (Link)
heh, I'm 21 turning 40. *snickers*

Yeah, you're right. I know this to be true but it's so hard to be happy by myself.
zimzat From: zimzat Date: January 18th, 2004 01:08 pm (UTC) (Link)
I can't seem to be happy with just myself. I have to have someone or something else to motivate me to be happy about things. :-\
From: black_basilisk Date: January 18th, 2004 03:02 pm (UTC) (Link)
Gawd. Anyone your age who really feels that way has to get a (good) therapist. This isn't funny.
zimzat From: zimzat Date: January 18th, 2004 03:16 pm (UTC) (Link)
Well, good news. My dad just told me I have to stop seeing my therapist because he can't afford the $40 per visit fee anymore, until he gets a job.
5 comments or Leave a comment