Russell (zimzat) wrote,

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The pain of being a dependent independent

I'm a little less frustrated and depressed than I was last night, but still generally irked at things.


I can't seem to express my feelings the way I feel them. The frustration of dealing with a family that thinks only the conformed way is the way that works. I look for support to live life how I want to and all I find is pressure to conform to one way or another.

People, family included, say I should become a independent adult. When I make "independent" decisions all I seem to get is a conformed view on things.

Priorities? College isn't anywhere high on that list. Jonathan (that's my brother) said after I read all the programming jobs that require a bachelor in science that I would be a lot more prioritized toward getting it.... well, I'm not. It's more like I'm discouraged because I have to go through years of mostly useless training in areas I'm not interested in and will likely ever use. I want to get involved NOW, not in three years.

In my life I'm a free spirit kind of thing. Free lance. Rogue. Something untamed of higher intelligence.

Or maybe I'm caged and just so blinded with stupidity that I don't see it. Maybe I'm the one that's wrong in all this. It's certainly possible that conforming is the only way to live.

But hearing all these "self-help" people that didn't conform and are better off for it. Yeah, that's real encouraging.

Oh, one last thing. My parents, specifically dad, just tried to get me to accept jesus as my savior. I so don't feel like going over this again with him, so would someone mind giving me a concise reason as to why I'm not?
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