April 21st, 2013

Ctrl+Alt+Del - Scott & Ted

State of the life: Dates? Sex? Relationships? Nope.

This is going to be a semi-angst and depression heavy entry, so if you don't want to hear any of that then go ahead and skip past it.

In the past few weeks there's been a lot going on with work, yet my personal life has been languishing. I'm beginning to accept that that's just the way it is, though not without some remorse. Depressed, hopeless, and restless would be a good summary of my mood lately. Attention-seeking is also a potentially valid description.

I'm not photogenic, cute, or attractive at all. Every time I look in a mirror, every morning and every time I use the restroom, I realize I have no chance. Red bumps, craters, receding and thinning hair, major widows peak, etc. It quickly becomes clear that almost everyone who contacts me is just interested in a warm body for sex so I don't bother. I don't think anyone owes me anything and I don't really believe in "Mr Right" so that's just the way things are.

Have you ever listened to someone as they talk to someone they're attracted to and notice how their voice and behavior differs compared to how they might be to anyone else? I remember seeing this distinctly, many years ago, with someone I had a crush on at my first job. It was in that moment when observing them with this other person that I realized I had no chance with them. Right now I'm having trouble remembering anyone acting that way toward me so I'm starting to think it means no one is actually interested in me that way. ... No, I take that back, there was a girl at the dance class who seemed to be acting that way a few times. *face-palm*

This weekend I blanked my OkCupid profile. It has had largely the same text for a long time and, while still relevant, it was starting to feel stale. I'll go back within the next few days and start filling out the profile from scratch and hopefully with some new tidbits. I need new photos to put up. I only have maybe one per year that I think is half-decent so most of them are very old (2+ years). All but one picture was removed as well.

I'll be at Penguicon in a few days. I'm at least a little tempted to make a point of getting friendly with someone there and see where it goes. I hesitate to think of it as a hookup as I don't want just sex. I want the pillow talk, the cuddling, and morning-after breakfast.

Speaking of sex, I've also begun to think of my preferred sexual position as "other" (or 'neither'). I'm sure that will confuse most gays who think of it only in terms of top or bottom as the ultimate goal, but there you have it. I haven't found myself interested in either position lately and just want other stuff.