?

Log in

No account? Create an account
entries friends calendar profile It's Me Previous Previous Next Next
The Autobiography of Russell
Life from a different perspective
zimzat
zimzat
Regret to the third power
I was trying to figure out something to do a little while ago so I decided to do some journal maintenance. I looked at my memories and remembered that I've been meaning to update them for the longest time. I started at the last quiz entry I put in memories (June 24th, 2003) and went from there. While I was going through the archives I looked at some of my other entries and came to realize some things.

For the first while that I had my journal the majority of my entries were quizes. I know there are a lot of people out there who can't stand people who only post quizes to their journal, so my old behavior started to disturb me. The thing is I remember at some time I made a point to stop doing all quizes. I consider that to be a good thing, as my pointless entries went down in number after that.

But, as all good things come with a butt, I realized something else after that. The majority of my actual entries were angsty or spazzy. Some of the entries consisted of four word sentences and a emoticon, and the pattern repeated across the entry. The angsty ones were even worse, with every sentence proclaiming how much I hated my life and moaning the death of it.

If I didn't know otherwise I wouldn't have been surprised to see myself commit suicide way back then. Some of the things I went through were so superficial that I can't believe I made such a big deal about them. Other things I'm surprised I made it through, especially with the state my mind was in back then.

--

As I'm sitting around trying to find something else to do some more regrets are hitting me. More personal, and recent. Stephen's [grand]parents have been making a point of asking if I've found a job every time they see me, and I wouldn't doubt if they're asking Stephen every time they talk to him. They've even gone so far as to demand he kick me out of the apartment if I don't find a job by the end of this month. That alone rocked Stephen's world because he's relying on their support to put him through graduate studies.

I get this feeling that I'm really not doing enough for my part. I'm not bringing in any money, and I'm barely keeping the apartment representable. It's not like I'm doing a good job as a "housewife" seeing as both my cloths and the towels need washed and I haven't done them like I should've last night.

Maybe I'm not being pushy enough to find a job. Maybe his parent's are right, and I shouldn't be leeching off them. Maybe I shouldn't be eating their food. I know I don't deserve it. It's just not my place.

--

I'm sorry. I'm being more expressive than I actually feel, so don't take this too seriously. I'm fine. Really.

--

I wanted to put more in this entry. I meant to put more in this entry. I just can't remember anything else I wanted to say. Maybe later. Maybe not.

--

I will survive.

Current Mood: sad regretful
Current Music: "Fantasy for Piano, [...] in C minor" by Beethoven

4 comments or Leave a comment
Comments
myownmemento From: myownmemento Date: October 4th, 2004 08:14 pm (UTC) (Link)
:: many many many huggles::
mrtrblmkr1 From: mrtrblmkr1 Date: October 4th, 2004 10:14 pm (UTC) (Link)
*some huggles (i know love that word) from new york*
From: tearysky Date: October 4th, 2004 10:42 pm (UTC) (Link)
Do not feel like you don't deserve anything. I would sacrifice the world for you. Krishna will provide for us, I am sure of it. I need to do a puja to Krishna as Ganesha to implore his aid in this. We will find some way to survive. My parents cannot expect me to make that kind of decision. If I lose you, I will lose myself. I will either end up in an asylum or on a plane to a monastery in Tibet. I am not letting you go if it is within my power to prevent it. Now that I sound like a psychopath, I'll end this long comment. Annon le veleth nîn.
queenexodus From: queenexodus Date: October 18th, 2004 01:18 pm (UTC) (Link)
I love you and so I must tell you the truth. I for one think you have made great personal strids. Yes you have responsiblities that you must do but coming from the same place as you I think you are making great strides. Don't let ANYONE knock you around you DONOT deserve it. Yes you need to set your proities. Getting a job should be at the top. But until you find one you are still a human being and deserve to be treated with kindness. Jesus tells us to help each other and have compassion for others. So don't be sad your doing better and getting better every day.
4 comments or Leave a comment