Russell (zimzat) wrote,

  • Mood:
  • Music:

A-riding we go, a-riding we go.

I'm at my parent's house right now while my sister, Esther, visits our oldest sister and the kids as well. They're currently out shopping for cloths for Hannah (my oldest sister) and my mom just left for a dentist appointment so I'm here by myself on their new computer. We'll probably be leaving around twelve, fourty-five minutes to an hour from now.

Believe it or not, they've been renovating a very large potion of the house (the back part, where we used to live). It looks a lot nicer now, and is almost not depressing anymore. There is still a lot of brown everywhere but there's also a nearly equal amount of lighter colors to counter-act the darkness of it.

Stephen is staying at the apartment because he has to be with his family while his great grandma recovers from the successful surgery she had late yesterday afternoon. According to Stephen she should be able to remember who she is today because they drugged her just that much. The woman is something like 80+ last I checked, so I can understand why they would do it that much to make sure the body didn't react badly to the modification they were doing to it.


Now that I've talked to Stephen about this I'll post a little bit here as well. I'm also using this mini-vacation to put things into perspective, namely my relationship with Stephen. I'm not sure where it's going right now, and there's a lot of stress at the moment that's clouding things up. I don't want to leave him, but right now I'm not sure I want to stay with him either. I need a change of pace to help get my mind out of a rut of thinking so I can put things into perspective. As things stand right now, things are salvagable, but I need to figure out how. I also need to know what I feel. It's hard for me to feel about anything, and usually that's only in extremely negative cases.

There are several possible outcomes to this. Since I'm in the process of being accepted to the University of Louisiana in Lafayette I may go back as a roommate to go to classes and work at the university. I'm not feeling bad about Stephen, so this may be where things need to go for the time being until we can work things out. I may also go back as Stephen's boyfriend and partner, or I may only go back to get my stuff and get a job in Dyersburg. I really don't know, and all these possibilities swimming around in my head all at once is confusing me even more. I plan on thinking about them one at a time and figuring out if that's what I'd really want to do, and repeat the process until I come out with one I want to do, merge parts of ideas, or maybe even get new ideas on what to do.

I'm just confused right now. I'm getting conflicting input from people close to Stephen as well as Stephen himself. Stephen thought our relationship was going fine, while the people around him thought it was abusing him. Maybe if they think it's abusing him then I should take their advice and leave it be. I don't know.

These are all thoughts I have to sift through. Don't misconstrue them as certainties or inevitables. My mind works in unusual methods and seeing all the possibilities is just one of the ways it works. It's about the only thing that really stresses me out, trying to predict the future and decide how I feel.


On one last note, I'm tempted to put Mozilla and Thunderbird on their computer. Right now it's using Internet Explorer and Outlook, and we all know how insecure those browsers are when coupled with Windows. I think I'll get their install files and offer them up as alternatives to IE and Outlook.
  • Post a new comment


    Anonymous comments are disabled in this journal

    default userpic

    Your reply will be screened

  • 1 comment