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The Autobiography of Russell
Life from a different perspective
zimzat
zimzat
WebWorms, Fixing, and Breaking.
A couple of days ago was rather interesting. I woke up to discover an email from scixual saying the PDI site had been hacked (or something like that). I went to look at it and, lo and behold, we were hit with the Santy.A worm. At first I thought it was just a index.html file taking over the main page, because only it was showing the defaced page. After finding out that wasn't true I checked the templates to see if they were rewritten and I also tried the .htaccess file for a redirect but to no avail. Finally, I logged into SSH and did a generic 'grep' (find) command on all files in the web directory. It turns out that while the template files themselves were fine, the template cache files had been over ridden. In the end, all I had to do was delete them all and it fixed itself.




Throughout the rest of the day I worked on Stephen's computer, such as getting his printer to both print and scan in Linux. I also got his wireless card working in Linux (although it may be causing his computer to completely freeze) and fixed his sound system to work correctly now. I tried to get TrueType fonts installed but that's where I may have screwed up again, as his browser is now showing un-aliased and deformed text for a number of webpages. At least everything is in functional order now.




Last night things finally hit bottom. Basically, Stephen and I are breaking up. Just about every time we get into an arguement (which is rather often; seems like every other night or so) it devolves into him basically repeatidly asking "I'm not sure you love me anymore. If you do then you need to tell me now." This, along with numerous other things before, was really annoying me, and I didn't feel like taking it anymore. I told him I can't honestly tell him I do love him anymore. For me it's extremely hard to feel a bond for anyone, and it's next to impossible when we're argueing so much that it doesn't seem like we were really ment to be together. I understand that couples will argue just like anyone else in life, but we argued about everything, from our personalities to financies. It was the very basic things of our personalities that grated each other.

Maybe we would've had a better chance if finances weren't strained to the point where his mom would get on his case about them, or if I had been in college last semester instead of bored and almost inactive. Maybe this, maybe that, but right now things aren't looking good. He's having a major breakdown because of the way my mind works and him trying to ask things of it. I've warned people, including him, over and over that while you can ask anything of it and I'll try to make it understandable to them, that chances are it will only cause them a headache in the end. This is why I think I would be better off living a hermet-like life alone, maybe a few friends.

There are several ways this could go. The most likely, it seems, is Stephen will ask me to leave. I can't hold it against him, and he has every reason to want me gone now. Another thing that could happen is I'll be able to stay in the apartment, which will work if I go to the university here, although I'm not counting on that. The reason I'm not counting on it is because Stephen seems to have a lot of emotional attachment and it's hard for people to get over that if the object of their attachment is still right there (I'm not saying it's impossible, just hard for most people).




The rest of this week will tell what happens. My sister is supposed to be coming down for christmas, so if things turn out as they are "most likely" to then chances are I'll be leaving with her, to somewhere. My parent's house, my brother's house, or on the streets... it'll be the same.




(During our conversation last night we were writing for a bit because my brain didn't want to think straight enough for the right words to come out. At one point I wrote this, "I could not end my life not because I fear pain, the afterlife, or the consequences, but because I have obligations commitments ... ??? to people and I can not go until I am released of those bonds/obligations/commitments."

These bonds are what keep me here. And this actually makes me sad.)

Current Mood: cold cold

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Comments
scixual From: scixual Date: December 23rd, 2004 11:20 pm (UTC) (Link)
Holiday-time breakups are the worst. Sorry to hear about it.

And I really *am* proud of how quickly you handled the Wyrm -- many sites are still borked.

As for that last paragraph: That's life. The truly selfish are the ones who end their lives when it stops being fun -- eveyone else keeps going because they know their life affects others.

And it DOES get fun again. It's just really hard to believe that from some places.

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