Throughout the rest of the day I worked on Stephen's computer, such as getting his printer to both print and scan in Linux. I also got his wireless card working in Linux (although it may be causing his computer to completely freeze) and fixed his sound system to work correctly now. I tried to get TrueType fonts installed but that's where I may have screwed up again, as his browser is now showing un-aliased and deformed text for a number of webpages. At least everything is in functional order now.
Last night things finally hit bottom. Basically, Stephen and I are breaking up. Just about every time we get into an arguement (which is rather often; seems like every other night or so) it devolves into him basically repeatidly asking "I'm not sure you love me anymore. If you do then you need to tell me now." This, along with numerous other things before, was really annoying me, and I didn't feel like taking it anymore. I told him I can't honestly tell him I do love him anymore. For me it's extremely hard to feel a bond for anyone, and it's next to impossible when we're argueing so much that it doesn't seem like we were really ment to be together. I understand that couples will argue just like anyone else in life, but we argued about everything, from our personalities to financies. It was the very basic things of our personalities that grated each other.
Maybe we would've had a better chance if finances weren't strained to the point where his mom would get on his case about them, or if I had been in college last semester instead of bored and almost inactive. Maybe this, maybe that, but right now things aren't looking good. He's having a major breakdown because of the way my mind works and him trying to ask things of it. I've warned people, including him, over and over that while you can ask anything of it and I'll try to make it understandable to them, that chances are it will only cause them a headache in the end. This is why I think I would be better off living a hermet-like life alone, maybe a few friends.
There are several ways this could go. The most likely, it seems, is Stephen will ask me to leave. I can't hold it against him, and he has every reason to want me gone now. Another thing that could happen is I'll be able to stay in the apartment, which will work if I go to the university here, although I'm not counting on that. The reason I'm not counting on it is because Stephen seems to have a lot of emotional attachment and it's hard for people to get over that if the object of their attachment is still right there (I'm not saying it's impossible, just hard for most people).
The rest of this week will tell what happens. My sister is supposed to be coming down for christmas, so if things turn out as they are "most likely" to then chances are I'll be leaving with her, to somewhere. My parent's house, my brother's house, or on the streets... it'll be the same.
(During our conversation last night we were writing for a bit because my brain didn't want to think straight enough for the right words to come out. At one point I wrote this, "I could not end my life not because I fear pain, the afterlife, or the consequences, but because I have
These bonds are what keep me here. And this actually makes me sad.)