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The Autobiography of Russell
Life from a different perspective
zimzat
zimzat
[Mind Control] This doesn't exist.
Just... ignore me.

I think I'm going to be depressed for a bit. Or whatever you call this. I'm bored.

No one has updated on livejournal since before noon (over 5 hours ago). I don't feel like playing Golden Sun right now, or any other game really. Lately I only feel like gaming if someone is watching. (Showing off?)

I have tons of work to do. The eBay possibility seems less and less like it's going to pan out for anything I'd be interested in doing with it. Sure, I could 'bull' it all and sell whatever, but everything I've looked up so far looks like a total waste of money. The Nintendo and five games will probably only sell for $50, total (sad, considering what was paid for them originally), and there's only one nintendo to sell so it's only going to be a one-time deal. I'm almost tempted to sell my GameCube and Animal Crossing... it sits at Le's house never being played. If worst comes to worst, I probably will, cause I know I'll at least get what I paid for it back. (~$70)

Money. I hate it. I also hate life. I'm really not cut out for it. If they still had servants or slaves then that might work, but alas they don't.

I mean, I sit around all day wasting my time getting nothing accomplished. Sure, I do lots of things, but nothing gets done to show for it. Nothing. I forgot the work I did for a online version of Mille Bornes, and I really don't want to recreate it, so now it's just going to sit there, unfinished.

I like doing things for other people. That's about the only time I get anything done. When I see a need and I try to fill it. Problem is, it's rarely ever appreciated the way I ment it, and quite often it goes unnoticed, disregarded, or ignored, like it's common place.

Total screw up for wanting attention for every little thing. I can't do anything without needing the constant approval of someone to feel like I'm doing the right thing.

I know I should care about not having a job, and about getting one, but I just don't. It seems so hopeless. I am hopeless.

Oh my gosh. oh my gosh. oh my gosh. frick. . frick. I haven't gotten this close to crying, as in watering, in a long time. Come on Russell, shape up before someone notices (wait, isn't that what you always wanted?) and thinks you're a basket case. Before they stop ... stop wanting me.

It's all about being wanted, isn't it? You can't just be, can you? Yes. No. Yes. Shut up for ... ugh.

You're going to rot your teeth out for eating so much chocolate.

Ya know what it is? The more you're wanted and the less you can justify being wanted, the more depressed you get.

I'm going to get fat from eating so much junk food. Yeah, once you get fat people don't like you as much. And you eat more, and consume more resources, thus cost more money. People don't like things costing money.

ok, I'm feel better now. Well, not actively depressed. I think all the chocolate finally kicked in. And the milk. I'm going to find something to do. Maybe I'll play The Sims and make myself get a job. At least you don't have to go through several dozen job applications just to get a job there. Bunch of bull.

Current Mood: depressed depressed
Current Music: None

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Comments
ellixis From: ellixis Date: February 12th, 2005 01:23 am (UTC) (Link)
I know you don't want advice/help. Just want to say I'm out here - paying attention and listening.
zimzat From: zimzat Date: February 12th, 2005 01:45 am (UTC) (Link)
Well, it's less that I don't want advice, and more that the advice/help I typically get does me no good. If someone isn't telling me I need to suck it up, be a man, and do what I need to do, they're trying to get me institutionalized for being 'suicidal'/depressed.

That saying "be a man" reminds me of something my sister said earlier while I was watching Mulan. It was something to the effect of why she liked Mulan because it showed a woman discovering her strength. My thought to that, not that I told her as much, was "Not all women have that kind of strength", and then my thought to that was "And not all men are strong."
ellixis From: ellixis Date: February 12th, 2005 03:24 am (UTC) (Link)
I do worry about you when you're feeling like this, but I haven't got much of anything useful to say. It's something that can really only be worked through by the person going through it.

But I'm paying attention and thinking about you, even if I'm not saying much. I dunno if thathelps any, but it's there if you want it.
zimzat From: zimzat Date: February 12th, 2005 05:07 am (UTC) (Link)
I was going to write another entry or come back and edit this one to add: "Note to self: If you tell people not to read something, don't expect them to, but know they will because you told them to, just don't wait for them to say anything to admit they read it since you told them not to." Or something like that. I developed it a lot more once I started writing it, but the beginning was basically what I was going to say.

But yes, I appreciate the concern. Thank you.
iceraver From: iceraver Date: February 13th, 2005 05:12 am (UTC) (Link)
Course, it probably also helps that I turn around and snug on him shortly after he posts it. Well, not tonight. Tonight, I'm kinda sickish. He made me soup.
ellixis From: ellixis Date: February 13th, 2005 07:10 am (UTC) (Link)
Aw, that's sweet. I'm glad you guys were able to find each other.
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