Russell (zimzat) wrote,

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Explaining the second-to-last entry

So, it seems I've caused the situation I feared would happened and tried to avoid. I'll have to go back a little ways to put what happened this evening in scope.

I'll admit it now, I'm a hypocrite, and I won't try to hide it, but if I'm told how I'm being one I'll try to stop. I may not at first, but I definately keep it in mind every time it comes up and eventually, maybe not the first time it happens or the fourth, I'll stop being a hypocrit about it.

About a week ago Le's friends, Stephen (deathdancer) and his partner John (morgantn), came over to spend an evening with Le and Kristy. As we all know, I'm almost always here when Le isn't at work. (It's actually a ritual(?) that he picks me up on his way home from work.) A little while before they came over I was getting annoyed/aggravated/irritated and I wanted some attention. That's when Stephen and John had come over, being exceptional loud to where I could hear everything that was said through the wall. I didn't go out to greet them at first because of how I felt. I knew their loud personalities would not mesh well with my mood so I tried not to inflict my bad mood on the social gathering. That didn't keep them from knowing I was there, though. Through the walls I could hear the entire conversation, including Stephen yelling at the room (as if I couldn't hear him) "anti-social" and "rude". Ok, fine, I knew that was what I was being.

The problem with me when I become irritated/annoyed/aggravated is that I want to lash out at things, and it's very hard to keep myself from snapping (although I somehow manage not to). If I had gone out while I was still in that mood I felt I would've started snapping at them for the jokes they were telling or the way they talked about people, which I would've been able to stand otherwise. I was already getting on their case in my head, but it would've gotten verbalized. It would've been a horrible impression on Le's friends if I came out snapping at people and being bossy.

I really didn't want to make a bad impression, especially like that, because so often if a person's friends don't like me (and quite often they don't, surprise surprise) it creates strain on the relationship, eventually causing things to break down and end.

After they got back a little later from going to Wal-mart to get Life I came out of the room, although I did get a blanket and sit on the couch playing GoldenSun.

Ok, so I'm not social. I'm really rather anti-social. Heck, I have social phobia. If you think about it, that's really no surprise, but it is something to cope with. I wish I didn't, but it affects how I feel about things anyway. I mostly withdraw into myself when it comes to social situations where I don't really know most of the people there, or I know they disapprove of me. But I've said my say, and I should get back to the story now.

I was still very critical of what was going on around, but I wasn't nearly as irritated by things as I was earlier. (For example, no one had played Life in some time, so Stephen was reading over the rules again. Silently. That means he would be the only authoritive source on the rules without each person who questioned them having to read them as well. (It would've been much faster to read it outloud so everyone knew the rules ahead of time) This problem did crop up during game play, exactly as I knew it would.) Once they had the game set up Le asked if I would be playing with them. I knew he'd be hurt if I didn't, and it's not that I didn't want to play, I just wasn't sure I wanted to play, so I went ahead and joined them. The game went along fine, minus the above incident (repeated a couple of times) and once where something Stephen said made me feel like an idiot.

Ya know what makes me feel worse? What I do and say makes other people feel like idiots. People think by the way I say things that I think they're idiots or beneath me, even if that wasn't my intention or how I really feel. I'm horrible at bringing people's attention to things. I try to watch everything I say, and keep quiet if I can't say it in a way I know won't be taken the wrong way, but far too often I'll try to make a joke and people who would normally not mind are mortally afronted. The 10% of the time they are understand it's with my brother or sister.

So, this is why I stay quiet and don't usually make jokes.

Fast-forwarding to yesterday, in the morning I read Kristy's journal and noticed Stephen and JOhn would be coming over that evening and brought it to Le's attention, since she noted Le and I wouldn't be here, but Le was feeling sick so we would be here. Kristy and Le were expecting them to be here some time around 5 or 6, as that's when they usually come by. I needed to go back to my brother's to take care of some of the eBay auction stuff (we finally got one up) so around 1 I went back. I cut work on eBay short at 4:50 so I could get back here in time. Le hadn't heard anything from them yet so I took a quick shower and copied the sheets for CashFlow (setting me back nearly an hour).

Once I got back Le was doing some stuff on the computer. He started playing Heros of Might and Magic IV and mentioned we might be able to play it multiplayer if I installed it on the laptop. He found the install CD and so I started to install it on the laptop. I didn't know how to play or what to do so I thought we'd be able to play this version (there are several expansions) so I could figure out what to do. Le mentioned something about "GameUpdate not working so can't play multiplayer" but that didn't make any sense to me. I wanted to look into that some more before going onto the next one but he was already installing the first expansion and I doubted the expansion would be able to play with the original (unfair advantage, whatever. I know Age of Empires does it like that). After he gave me the first expansion to install he started installing the third expansion and playing it. I know he only has one CD for the expansions so I was trying to figure out how we were going to play, and getting irritated I was being steamrolled while trying to figure out what was going on and trying to play the game with him.

Five came around and still no word from them. A little while after 6 they called to say that Steven had stopped by and would be coming with them after they stopped by wal-mart to buy drinks.

Le knows several Ste(ph/v)ens. Stephen has been his best friend for years, since they were in high school if I understand correctly.

Steven is another of his friends, although this one is jealous because I'm with Le.

It wasn't until after 7 that they finally got here. I was already annoyed at the time so I didn't plan on coming out right away. They brought a single bottle of Pepsi (cause 'we only made enough pizza for one slice per person') and some Smirnoff Twisted-V (The comment and alcohol was a turn off to joining them, but I wasn't going to let the alcohol stop me as it hadn't before). Suddenly it sounded like they had left so I laid down in bed, feeling a bit dejected.

After a while I heard them in the living room again, setting up Monopoly (I figured out what game they picked when Stephen was calling out how much to give each player). No invites.

If being invited to do something, the wrong question is "Do you want to...", as often times it's not if I want to but if I don't want to. I usually don't 'not' want to, so I would do it otherwise. An alternative way to invite me to doing something is to say something like "It'd be nice if you'd join us" or ... just don't leave it up to me if I "want" to do it.

(Sometimes I'll want to do something, but feel if I did it I wouldn't be welcome there or me being there wouldn't be a good idea)

(In other words, let me know that you want me where you're inviting me)

At this point I put my earphones into the laptop and turned on the music, trying to drown out the louder voices from the other room (mostly Stephen and John). It worked while a song was playing, for the most part, but between songs I could often hear anyway.

Le checked up on me at one point. By that time I had told myself not to think about why I was feeling annoyed so I wouldn't lash out at anything that neared me. I stopped actively thinking about why I was irritated and when he asked what was wrong I couldn't tell him what was bothering me.

After a while I got up and dressed with the intent of leaving, or at least going outside (honestly, I probably would've just sat on the swing on the porch). I was dressed and ready to go outside, thinking about it, just... I knew I'd never be able to get myself out the door while everyone was out there. I felt I especially couldn't while Le's friends would see me like this and judge me for being a mental wreck, thus dooming the relationship. With that in mind, I sat on the floor and waited. Eventually my back started bothering me so I tried to prop up against the plastic bin. I almost immediately realized it probably wouldn't hold if I sat against it, so I sat against the wall behind the door. My legs started lossing circulation so I changed position and laid scrunched up on the pile of cloths that was in front of me.

I listened to the conversation for the next half an hour or so, getting hotter and hotter as I still had my coat around me. Stephen and John were still going on and on about 'only one slice of pizza per person' and getting on Kristy's case for taking care of her job work rather than playing with them.

Both of those were irritating me.

You can't blame her for wanting or needing to get work-related things done. On the other hand, if she had been, say, playing solitaire on her computer then it wouldn't have bothered me nearly as much.

What was really annoying me the most was the repeatativeness of the comments or jokes. He mentioned the pizza and her not playing over and over and over and over and ... you get the idea. It was completely worn out as far as I was concerned, and had I been out there in my still irritated/bad mood I would've been snapping at him for it. As it was I was very annoyed at him for it.

Then, suddenly, Stephen said something like (I think it was Stephen from what was said), 'We need to go back to the house now, John.' When I first heard that I thought maybe they have to get up early tomorrow, forgot something on the stove, or had other plans for tonight and could only be over for a couple of hours.

After they left Le came in and, thinking I was still in the bed where he last saw me, said "You can come out now. They're gone." I continued to lay where I was, smoldering hold and covered in sweat, for a few moments, hoping he'd notice me on his own. I thought he had, but realized even if he had he was under no obligation to notice me or give me attention, and if his friends had told him they disliked me then he may not want to. I started to move by stretching out a bit. He noticed the movement, noise, or something and asked why I was laying there. I gave him the full explanation of 'why I sat on the floor' up till I was laying on the floor.

I laid out on the floor for a bit resting while Le caught up on things on the computer. I mumbled a few things but, as mumbling usually goes, it couldn't be understood. (That wasn't a problem. I was mostly just rambling) All of a sudden Le rushed past me and out to Kristy. I poked my head out the door to hear him tell her about the entry 'he' just posted. She asked if he commented to mine, and, after she checked, yep. He came back in and did something (memory fails me exactly what) before going out ot smoke. Several times while outside he poked his head back in to tell Kristy something about the entry.

I got back on the laptop and looked up my journal to see what was going on. Stephen had posted a comment on this entry that I wrote right before I sat on the floor. I followed it back to his journal and read this entry. You can't see them now, but Le and Stephen (with a couple of remarks by John) went at it for like half an hour.

After reading what Le said, it let me know he understood how I think a lot more than he let on. It reminded me of why I love him. Standing up to his best friend like that for me and still wanting to be with me despite what Stephen and John said.

If only I had a record of those comments.

To end this very long entry, (which I'm getting exceptionally tired of writing) all I'm going to say is that Stephen doesn't have to like me, but it doesn't mean he has to hate me or that I have to meet his expectations of what he thinks I should or shouldn't do.

That's the beauty of hate. When you hate someone, you hurt their friends and lovers as well. Maybe not directly, but .... you know what I mean, and if you don't know what I'm talking about, spelling it out probably won't help any.

Yeah, sad note to end on, but I'm ready to get this entry over with and posted.
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