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The Autobiography of Russell
Life from a different perspective
zimzat
zimzat
So, here's the secret to my life. I am the most screwed up person on the planet.

But, ya know, it doesn't matter. None of it matters. To all of you who said I should open up? Frick you. One of the worst things I've ever done. Depression. Angst. Failed expectations.

Whatever.

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Comments
iceraver From: iceraver Date: February 19th, 2005 04:10 pm (UTC) (Link)
Whos expectations are you failing? The only ones that matter are your own. And I don't HAVE expectations, so it's not those. I think your siblings would understand if it's theirs. So... who's else could it be?
zimzat From: zimzat Date: February 19th, 2005 04:16 pm (UTC) (Link)
Mine. Failing mine. I expect things from myself and life, and I keep screwing up. So, I just don't care any more. It's the only way I've ever been able to curb the depression, the angst, the.. whatever.

If I don't care, then I won't have expectations. If I don't have expectations, I won't get depressed.

Doesn't matter if I'm throwing the baby out with the bath water, because if I can't keep a grip on my emotions from ruining my life, then I can't have a life in the first place.

I'm just... shutting up.

*goes back to playing Spider*
iceraver From: iceraver Date: February 19th, 2005 04:17 pm (UTC) (Link)
So, just because you've been hurt, you want to lock out everything, the good AND the bad? That's what you'll be doing. If you don't allow yourself to have the bad, you won't know the good when it's right there in front of your face.
zimzat From: zimzat Date: February 19th, 2005 04:29 pm (UTC) (Link)
How can I have the good if the bad won't let me enjoy it?

You wanted the depression gone? Well, this is the only way I know of to get rid of it. If there's another way, either I don't know it or it doesn't work for me. Maybe I haven't wanted it to work. If that's the case, what am I supposed to do to? I'm an idiot in these matters. I was never taught what to do. My drive was crushed long ago.

I don't know. I just... don't know what to do. I know this isn't the answer, but it's the only thing I do know. If I don't do this, and nothing else is done, then eventually the worst will happen.
iceraver From: iceraver Date: February 19th, 2005 04:30 pm (UTC) (Link)
It will? And what is that worst that will happen?

I don't see anything bad coming. I was just saying that It'd be better if you cheered up. We're going to visit people.
zimzat From: zimzat Date: February 19th, 2005 04:37 pm (UTC) (Link)
Breaking up.

I already know my life is likely to end bitterly. It's an inevitability for me as things are now. I can't seem to keep a grip on my emotions and depression, so in all likely hood, people will stop wanting to be around me.

I'm a realist and a idealist. Those two don't normally match, but... I'm an idealist when it comes to wanting better and trying to plan for it, but a realist when it comes to expecting the worst. So many of my traits are like that; counter-productive to eachother.

Whatever I get depressed, disappointed, etc because of I've been telling myself over and over that none of it matters anymore. That it's no ones fault but my own I'm getting depressed.
iceraver From: iceraver Date: February 19th, 2005 04:56 pm (UTC) (Link)
Honey, I'm NOT going to leave you that easily. Haven't you realized that about me, yet? Just because we have differences does not mean it's going to end. I'm a fighter, sweetheart. I don't let go very easily.
zimzat From: zimzat Date: February 19th, 2005 05:24 pm (UTC) (Link)
I don't want to leave you either. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever not be so depressive. Someone you could be proud of being with (I know you are as is, but I guess I'm mirror reflecting the term to mean I can be proud of who I am with you. Or something like that.)
scixual From: scixual Date: February 19th, 2005 05:05 pm (UTC) (Link)
Expectations and caring are separate issues.

Giving up expectations is a fine idea. It leads to disappointment. Expecting a beautiful sunset doesn't make it happen, and ruins the enjoyment of it when it does happen.

Expecting success AND expecting failure interfere with the experience of what's actually happening in the now.

That is NOT equivalent to not caring. Not at all.

Not caring is a means of self-defense, and as Le pointed out, it leads to blocking yourself off from love as well as pain, joy as well as disappointment.

Care about Le. Care about yourself. Care about the things you create in the world. Care about love. Care about children.

Or whatever inspires you.

But don't expect. And when you do, notice it, and let it go. "Oh, silly me, I was expecting again."

Expecting is passive, too. It gets in the way of creating, inventing, declaring.

If I expect a thing to happen, I am not responsible for making it happen, for asking for things, for myself.

"I can't keep a grip on my emotions from ruining my life, then I can't have a life in the first place."

That's very dramatic and significant, and it sounds poetic.

It's not the truth, though.

It's not having emotions that's "ruining" your life. In fact, your life is not ruined. You are alive, relatively healthy, you've got a good guy that loves you. You're being kind of insulting to all that by talking about your life being in ruins.

What's causing you trouble isn't emotions. What's causing you trouble is life happening differently from your expectations. Your emotions happening differently from your expectations. See above, about expectations.

Feel what you feel. Express what you feel. If you resist feeling a certain way, that feeling will fester and cause trouble when it finally erupts. That is not the same as saying that the emotion causes trouble.

Being sad,being angry, being lonely -- these are not BAD things. They're just human.

Be human.
zimzat From: zimzat Date: February 19th, 2005 05:18 pm (UTC) (Link)
I care about Le, which is why it hurts me to be hurting him with all of my depression/angst/disappointment. I want him to be happy, but I also want to be happy.

It's not my physical life that I was referring to being in ruins; it's my mental one.

It being insulting makes me feel bad about feeling bad.

It's like a never-ending cycle that spirals in and downward until it explodes and starts again.




Right now I don't feel depressed. I don't really feel anything (except hunger) at the moment. I kind of want to stay like this until something nice happens.

I appreciate your words and wisdom. Thank you. I'll try to keep them in mind.
scixual From: scixual Date: February 19th, 2005 04:49 pm (UTC) (Link)
Depression is something that passes. Don't take anything seriously that happens in the midst of it.

You're not a realist, by the way, you're a pessimist. Not the same thing at all. The universe delivers what you expect, often as not.

From: persephone_wynd Date: February 19th, 2005 04:58 pm (UTC) (Link)
You're absolutely right.....I know depression well.....when you're in its grasp, it darkens everything and tries to squeeze out your hope. Something that would make you roll your eyes and laugh one day can make you almost suicidal the next. The only way to deal with it is to acknowledge the fact that those dark thoughts are the depression talking. Your life is not screwed up (no more so than anyone else's anyway, believe me, I know what I'm talking about on this one), but the depression would like you to believe that.

When the dark thoughts come (and they will), tell yourself that now is not a good time to think. Find something to focus on, like video games, books, or movies. A nap or a good dose of caffeine often helps too.
zimzat From: zimzat Date: February 19th, 2005 05:11 pm (UTC) (Link)
Fine, I'm a pessimist. I still don't like being called one though. (Read what you will into that. Seems there's something to be read)

It feels like I've been depressed/angsty/disappointed for the last three days or so. (That also happens to coincide with what feels like the last time I came)
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