Russell (zimzat) wrote,

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If only it were the end...

I don't belong anywhere, and it's pretty obvious I never will. I say it's obvious because that's all there is.

I don't have a job. I could say I've tried a few places (a dozen or so), and I have, but that would just be an excuse as far as anyone cared. The fact of the matter is I'm too lazy to get one. It's not that I couldn't do the work, quite the contrary, but I never get off my butt long enough to do an intensive search. And, let's be frank here, like my boyfriend says, since I don't really want a job I'll never get one.

It doesn't matter how much I tell myself otherwise, I simply don't have the drive it takes to do things. I fight myself over it all the time, but in the end I don't get anything done. Even the things I want to do go undone because I tell myself I shouldn't do them until I've done other things.

I give up. Label me a failure, call me a quitter, I don't care anymore. I don't deserve anything anyway. My life doesn't matter. No one dares risk their life just to help me, especially since, to them, if I don't help myself, why should they help me.

I'm tired of it all. *sigh*

But no one will leave me be. Time to put my mask back on and, to the rest of the world, be whatever they want.
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