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The Autobiography of Russell
Life from a different perspective
If only it were the end...
I don't belong anywhere, and it's pretty obvious I never will. I say it's obvious because that's all there is.

I don't have a job. I could say I've tried a few places (a dozen or so), and I have, but that would just be an excuse as far as anyone cared. The fact of the matter is I'm too lazy to get one. It's not that I couldn't do the work, quite the contrary, but I never get off my butt long enough to do an intensive search. And, let's be frank here, like my boyfriend says, since I don't really want a job I'll never get one.

It doesn't matter how much I tell myself otherwise, I simply don't have the drive it takes to do things. I fight myself over it all the time, but in the end I don't get anything done. Even the things I want to do go undone because I tell myself I shouldn't do them until I've done other things.

I give up. Label me a failure, call me a quitter, I don't care anymore. I don't deserve anything anyway. My life doesn't matter. No one dares risk their life just to help me, especially since, to them, if I don't help myself, why should they help me.

I'm tired of it all. *sigh*

But no one will leave me be. Time to put my mask back on and, to the rest of the world, be whatever they want.

Current Mood: tired tired
Current Music: "Hey Now Now" by Swirl 360

1 comment or Leave a comment
scixual From: scixual Date: April 3rd, 2005 06:15 pm (UTC) (Link)
It's easy to believe thatt he depressed, hopeless, resigned attitude is the "real" self and everything else is fake.

It's not, really. When I am depressed, I cannot recall the experience of happy, so I believe happy is not real. When I am happy, I cannot really recall the experience of depressed.

It's a state-based memory issue. What you learn when you're drunk will be tough to recall when sober, too.

Hang in there. Don't worry so much about "putting on masks" and the like. Be yourself. But there's more than one way to be yourself.
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