Russell (zimzat) wrote,

A bit f depression and ...

I haven't been feeling happy lately. Thing is, I don't really know why. Well, I do, but it's not one simple cut-and-dry thing. I feel confused, about a lot of things in my life.

I'm in a city I know nothing about, and no idea how to find out anything. I have no idea how or where to meet anyone to hang out with. How do you people find friends if you're not in school or work? How do you socialize without knowing anyone?

I'm especially not happy about my financial situation. I only have two dollars in my bank account and fourteen dollars in my coat. I feel completely helpless. Whenever I try to think about finding a job I can't stand the thought of taking just any job or I won't last more than a couple of weeks at it. I need something that keeps me on my toes, and isn't too repetitive. I need something that uses my mind at least as much as my body, if not more. Fast food joints are out of the picture because they're too meanial.

Everything I do is calculated and I feel like a fraud. I'm always thinking about what I'm doing and what the 'appropriate' response is. I almost never do things out of instinct or feelings.

For some reason I don't like to tell the people around me what I plan on doing. I'm thinking about going to a nearby library to see what it's like, but I feel an inclination not to tell Rob. Heck, I'm not telling him right now as I write this. It's like I don't want him to know and expect something of me. I already know he expects me to get a job, even if he hasn't said as much. Well, he has said as much in one way or another, even if not directly. I don't have the ability or resources to do anything.

I'm sure there's more but right now I'm not thinking about it. I'd rather not think about it if I could help it, but it's hard when that's all your life is.
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