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The Autobiography of Russell
Life from a different perspective
zimzat
zimzat
Opinion Poll
Poll #924051 Opinions

Did you agree with the conversation in my last post?

Yes
2(40.0%)
No
3(60.0%)
I didn't read it / I don't care
0(0.0%)

Current Mood: rushed rushed
Current Music: None

13 comments or Leave a comment
Comments
ellixis From: ellixis Date: February 9th, 2007 07:00 pm (UTC) (Link)
Agree with? In what sense?
zimzat From: zimzat Date: February 9th, 2007 07:06 pm (UTC) (Link)
That the traits Anna mentioned are the reason why I can't get/keep a guy, and that I would have to undergo a major personality change in order to.

Or, more simply, that those traits are bad.

Alternatively, that changing those traits doesn't change something fundamental about what makes me, well, me.

*shrug*
ellixis From: ellixis Date: February 9th, 2007 07:25 pm (UTC) (Link)
I don't agree with the way she put it. It seemed unecessarily belittling to me. Trust is important in a relationship. Yeah, that's a cliche, but it is. Being able to trust that someone will do what they say is pretty important.

Low self-esteem and self-confidence can give you relationship problems. Confidence is attractive, and if you're constantly wondering "well, why would anyone stay with me" it's going to show up in what you say and do, perhaps as clinginess, perhaps as standoffishness, perhaps in self-destructive behaviors of one type or another. If you're not happy with yourself, it will be harder to be happy with someone else.

I don't think I'm close enough to you to make any kind of judgment on the perfectionism thing, yea or nay, so to that I'll only say that people are people, and both sides of a relationship will screw up from time to time. It's not a deal-breaker as long as you're both willing to deal with it.

Ultimately, if you try to change yourself for the sole purpose of getting a boyfriend, it's probably not going to work. You are who you are. If you're trying to be someone else just so you can date someone, you're probably not going to be happy, and eventually it'll show through and cause problems. If you're going to have a relationship, build it on things you are rather than things you're not. If you want to change yourself just for you, that's entirely another matter. But changing for the sake of "getting a boyfriend" is a futile and destructive thing to do.

Uh, all of the above is my opinion and experience, not necessarily Teh Gospel Tr00th. Take it as you will, in the spirit I intend it, please, which is as a nosybusybody friend who would like to see you be happy with yourself.
ellixis From: ellixis Date: February 9th, 2007 07:44 pm (UTC) (Link)
Also, I am not sure if you do lack the ability to love - love, in my experience, is the ability to care about someone else's welfare and happiness, and the desire to see them happy. Romntic love has the addition of sexual desire and perhaps the desire for partnership. The rest of what ius attributed to love is icing.

Again, I will disclaim that this is my experience and opinion. But I donot see that you lack the basic caring necessary for love.
d2leddy From: d2leddy Date: February 9th, 2007 07:04 pm (UTC) (Link)
While all the things she says me (or may not) be true, her framing her statments in terms of getting a bf undermines the desireable qualities she alludes to by criticizing you.
zimzat From: zimzat Date: February 9th, 2007 07:25 pm (UTC) (Link)
I do have low self-esteem.
I do have almost no self-confidence.
I do have few common interests.
I do lack the ability to 'love'.
I am a perfectionist.
I do project the need for perfection onto other people.

The thing about trust is the only the I would refute on that list, and did.

So yeah, pretty much all the things she says are true. And they do hinder getting a boyfriend, because most people don't know how to handle or tolerate those traits.

So then the question becomes "What now?"
d2leddy From: d2leddy Date: February 9th, 2007 07:34 pm (UTC) (Link)
I reiterate and emphasize ellixis's insightful statement: Ultimately, if you try to change yourself for the sole purpose of getting a boyfriend, it's probably not going to work. You are who you are. If you're trying to be someone else just so you can date someone, you're probably not going to be happy, and eventually it'll show through and cause problems.

If you like, I can comment further. But I think the only way to respond is to be blunt. If you're up for it, I'll proceed.
zimzat From: zimzat Date: February 13th, 2007 07:26 am (UTC) (Link)
If you like, I can comment further. But I think the only way to respond is to be blunt. If you're up for it, I'll proceed.

Blunt is good. I like blunt, actually. Hmm...
(That's a yes)
irish_n_sac From: irish_n_sac Date: February 9th, 2007 08:08 pm (UTC) (Link)
I think every one has a certain level of quirks, or traits that someone else could label as good or bad.
Guys have their tastes some guys are crazy over people that have OCD's, are dom's, are very over confident, or even have low self esteem... it goes to the old saying "it takes all kinds".

As for someone being a perfectionist I kind of like that myself. sure it sometimes gets old but when you do care for someone you have ta take the bad with the good...

As for not being able to love...I find that so very hard to believe..
If you've ever had any type of love for something you can love.. it's just in the form of a boyfriend you just haven't found someone you click with...it takes time...

I have to agree strongly with on many of the things that were said....
Change when you feel you need change, change for yourself, I've learned that if you change for anything but yourself it tends to make things not much better for you or the other person...
I would seriously love for you to point out your "good" traits...I can think of a few and I've only known you from JL and under a year...
ripper82 From: ripper82 Date: February 9th, 2007 10:13 pm (UTC) (Link)
From what I've gathered just from your journal and your comments, you seem to hold your own opinions in such high regard that no one else could possibly have any chance to be themselves around you unless they are you.

You just need to lighten up. Or at least give it a try.
rafael_h From: rafael_h Date: February 13th, 2007 04:20 am (UTC) (Link)
Based on the fact that the conversation was the second post in your LJ I’ve ever read (other than the one with the poll itself), I went for ‘no’. Maybe I get to change my opinion once I lurk back into the past…

Anyway, hi. :)
zimzat From: zimzat Date: February 15th, 2007 05:05 pm (UTC) (Link)
Hello there.

I apologize for taking so long to reply. I'm getting behind on my online socializing, a lot. I have some 300+ emails in my inbox still to be dealt with. This morning I'm starting to make some progress on that, though.

What brings you around these parts? :-)
rafael_h From: rafael_h Date: February 27th, 2007 08:13 am (UTC) (Link)
You're not really the only one with problems regarding social cyberlife – my inbox sometimes seems to be on the verge of exploding, even when I try my best to keep an eye on everything... *sigh*

As for what brings me around these parts, well, I actually come and go with the flow, and it seems I was brought to your shores, and it somehow looked like a good place to mark on my map. :)
13 comments or Leave a comment