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What do you do if... (encounters) - The Autobiography of Russell
Life from a different perspective
zimzat
zimzat
What do you do if... (encounters)
What do you do if...
You're in a random group of people and one random person that you think is cute starts looking at you and holds your eyes when you look at them? They make no motion of a particular interest or disinterest, and there's no one and nothing behind you for them to be looking around you for.

I froze up, stared back for a few moments, then lost my nerve and started glancing away. They never looked at me again the rest of the time. I missed a fine opportunity to potentially get to know someone in person for once.

What really froze me up was how to handle the fact I have to get Ben's (Permission? Acknowledgement?), whereas I'm still used to just going with the flow of whatever happens and seems appropriate. I kind of miss those days of only last summer.

Tags: , ,
Current Location: Seattle, WA
Current Mood: unsure

18 comments or Leave a comment
Comments
theatredork From: theatredork Date: July 5th, 2011 02:53 pm (UTC) (Link)
Why would you need to get permission to talk to someone?
zimzat From: zimzat Date: July 5th, 2011 03:05 pm (UTC) (Link)
Not so much to talk to them, but if I wanted things to go anywhere I'd have to let Ben know in advance so he's aware of the situation, but without any explicit details. It's been a long time since we've had that talk. I'm a little fuzzy on the exact details of the agreement we made some 6+ months ago, so I'm erring on the side of too cautious now. *shrug*

Given that the stereotype for the gay community is sex first and personality later (if at all)... I don't know. I'm not very good at this social/sexual thing. I have an ideal, but no or very little experience putting it into practice.
theatredork From: theatredork Date: July 5th, 2011 03:09 pm (UTC) (Link)
Sounds like an opportune to have such a conversation again.

My boyfriend and I decided that monogamy wouldn't work, being in two states and all. It's nothing more than a physical thing with other people. The only rules we have is to be safe and not fool around with mutual friends. I told him if anything changes that we'll talk about it.

Edited at 2011-07-05 03:10 pm (UTC)
zimzat From: zimzat Date: July 5th, 2011 03:24 pm (UTC) (Link)
Yeah, I agree. I wanted to broach the topic before my vacation to Seattle (where I am now until Sunday), but work kept him in a fairly tense and sometimes bad mood so it felt impossible to bring up the subject. Hopefully his work situation will be resolved very soon. If it happens today then hopefully things will be more relaxed by the time I get home, or even soon thereafter.

I like your rules. One thing that complicates our relationship is that we now live together (quite the opposite of yours) and he doesn't seem to have any desire to go out with anyone else. On the other I'm more of a polyamorist, so I want a emotional connection in addition to the physical/sexual. I like being touchy-feely (yet don't for feel of messing with people or doing something inappropriate), so that adds another level of complexity.

Oh, the complexity.
andrewshead From: andrewshead Date: July 5th, 2011 03:30 pm (UTC) (Link)
Based on your polyness I'm really shocked that you've got that agreement with Ben. Honestly I figured you'd say no to any agreement that required permission to heavy flirt.


Ray and I have boiled our non-monogamous relationship down to this: We only play together. There are a few exceptions but for the most part that is how we handle it.
zimzat From: zimzat Date: July 5th, 2011 03:42 pm (UTC) (Link)
What's your definition of heavy flirt?

Yeah, to each their own. I'm not sure I'd be okay with a 'only play together' rule, but I'd be willing to try playing together. But with the way things were as of when we talked about it before (around the time you came into town)... *shrug* Yeah, I gotta talk to him to get a bead on what he wants right now. In relationship terms it has been ages since we've talked about that aspect.
(Screened comment)
zimzat From: zimzat Date: July 6th, 2011 04:01 pm (UTC) (Link)
Should I point out that this is a public entry? :-D

Gotcha. Where would you place holding hands? What about cuddling (with no specific sexual contact or grinding)?

(I know your classification doesn't necessarily translate to Ben and myself, but I'm just curious)
andrewshead From: andrewshead Date: July 6th, 2011 04:10 pm (UTC) (Link)
Would you mind screening that comment? I forgot this was public.



Holding hands would be OK. Cuddling would depend. I think sofa type cuddling= ok bed cuddling = not ok.

Honestly I'm not the world's biggest cuddler (unless it is leading to something) so it isn't as much as an issue for us.
zimzat From: zimzat Date: July 6th, 2011 04:16 pm (UTC) (Link)
Done.

Makes sense. A fine line between casual non-sexual contact to probably sexual contact. *nods*
theatredork From: theatredork Date: July 5th, 2011 03:30 pm (UTC) (Link)
Polyamory does add complexity. If we were living in the same city, not even together, my boyfriend and I would be monogamous.

Also, the touchy feely stuff is something also I get from the physical/sexual one-offs, most of the time, but my emotional connection is solely to my boyfriend (if that makes sense). I can see a future with him, not the one-offs.
zimzat From: zimzat Date: July 5th, 2011 03:46 pm (UTC) (Link)
I can sort of see how that works for some. Personally I don't like sexual encounters without some sort of emotional/mental connection, so that method just isn't for me.

The lines of friends, lovers, and everything in between is heavily blurred for me. It makes hanging out with straight people difficult, but at least with them I know it's strictly platonic and completely non-physical so I can set up some sort of block of what's not acceptable. Outside of that? Oh so unsure.
andrewshead From: andrewshead Date: July 5th, 2011 07:40 pm (UTC) (Link)
Personally I don't like sexual encounters without some sort of emotional/mental connection, so that method just isn't for me

I'm the same way. Random sex has no interest to me. It has to be someone I'd want to chat with post-cum.
rockingthemike From: rockingthemike Date: July 5th, 2011 03:42 pm (UTC) (Link)
without knowing the details of the arrangement, i would think that his knowledge of it is at least required. i don't think he really has to acknowledge or give permission (again depending on the details of the arrangement), but i've learned from previous experience the only way open relationships work is if there's no information withheld.
zimzat From: zimzat Date: July 5th, 2011 03:48 pm (UTC) (Link)
Agreed. The question, especially in this particular random situation, is how and when. Do I pull out my phone on the spot, call him up at 1am his time (10pm Seattle time) and say "Hey, there's this cute guy starring at me.", or ...? *shrug*
rockingthemike From: rockingthemike Date: July 5th, 2011 04:53 pm (UTC) (Link)
hmmm, i don't think i'd risk waking up a partner just so that i can have a good time in a different timezone (that wasn't meant to sound callous). i'd get this guy's number and say i'd contact him the next day, and then call my partner in the morning to give them heads up. that way, you're not leading one guy on, while keeping the other in the dark.
zimzat From: zimzat Date: July 5th, 2011 04:58 pm (UTC) (Link)
Yeah, that makes sense. If only I had been able to think about all this all the way through in the moment.

Thanks.
andrewshead From: andrewshead Date: July 5th, 2011 07:42 pm (UTC) (Link)
I'd think that you'd need to have some kind of set of conditions.

For example I'm allowed to do whatever I want but I can't sexually touch w/o Ray being there or giving permission. Hell I can even watch other guys go at it and jack off but I can't touch them.
zimzat From: zimzat Date: July 6th, 2011 04:02 pm (UTC) (Link)
Hahaha, quite true. With all the comments on this entry it reminded me I should have a refresher talk with Ben regarding what's okay and what isn't, among other things. I think we've set things straight and got some workable rules going again now. :)
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