Russell (zimzat) wrote,

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Oddly enough and for seemingly no reason at all (there is a reason though) I feel like beating myself up. I feel so... spent.

I know they say don't whine and all that other good stuff but I want to whine.

It doesn't seem fair to me that every year my birthday goes by and no one seems to notice or care that it's a week or two days from now. (It's tomorrow... or today in 10 minutes from Now) Sure, the day of I get "Happy Birthday" and "Congratulations" but that seems so lame that they couldn't think of me before. Heck, sometimes they never even remember so I end up getting a "Happy Belated Birthday" eventually. Oh, sure, the thought is nice but I want something more. Something that seems more like they actually put more than 2 nano-seconds of thought into it. A gift would be nice. I'm not saying I've NEVER received a nice gift. My brother gave me a very nice portable MP3 player and a 20 CD collection of classic classical music, for both I thank him dearly for. I may not use the MP3 player as much as I could or listen to the cd collection very often but I know there was thought behind them. I know this because both of them conform to My ideas of nice things. I like most music and I like technological things. Those are pretty much the two things that I am and what I want my gifts to conform to.

Second thing to whine about; school. I really don't want to go to college just yet but everyone else keeps pestering and bugging and nagging and generally annoying me about it. I Don't Freakin' Want To Go Yet! Geez. Is that really so hard to understand? It appears so cause that's about the only thing my parents talk to me about, outside of every day daily things.

Oh, a job. Yes, a job. Can't anyone Leave Me The Freak Alone when it comes to my job life? Why can't anyone take the hint that I don't care about my job life. Heck, I could care less right now. I don't care about a job. end of story. *waits for someone to say "You could get a job at..."*

Hmm, it's the 6th today... yay. "Happy Birthday To Me. Happy Birth-" oh shove it. I really don't want to hear it right now.

And now for some deep thought words from Magic's Promise by Mercedes Lackey:

Foreword: Shavri is the "King's Own" herald and someone Vanyel had a child with because Randi, the King, couldn't. Jisa is their offspring however she is raised as Shavri and Randi's daughter, not Shavri and Vanyel's.

'Lendel [Tylendel] was Vanyel's first and only love. Lifebonded, which means they had a commitment so deep nothing could change it except the death of one of them.

He [Vanyel] blinked, as answers finally put themselves together in his mind. I said it myself; it wasn't Shavri everything turned into, it was 'Lendel. I do love Shavri, but not like that. It's just that I've been so long without caring for anyone that deeply that I couldn't untangle what it meant. I want to protect her, care for her, but because she's a friend who needs me more than anyone has ever needed me except 'Lendel. And because cares for me. It was only 'Lendeel who gave me love without asking for anything-

-good gods. That's it, isn't it. That's where the sticking point is. Everybody wants something from me, or seems to. Mother, first of all; Melenna, Randi-they all want me to be something for them. Only 'Lendel wanted me to be myself. Only 'Lendel gave without asking what he was going to get. And now Shavri. And Jisa, who just loves, like only a child can love, without any questions at all.

But that's not wrong, either; I can't blame the ones who need things from me. But that may be something of the difference between friends and lovers. Interesting. But how is it that I can go to bed with a friend-

Ah. I can't go to bed with someone who's not a friend. How could I have lost what I knew when I was fifteen? That was what I knew when Krebain tried to seduce me. Sex and love aren't the same thing. but love and friendship are so close that you can't have love without having friendship. I could have continued to love 'Lendel even without sex. That's what had me confused. We became friends and lovers and beloved all at the same instant. There was something about him I would always have liked, even if I'd never loved him.

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