Russell (zimzat) wrote,

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Differences in Communication Expectations (& meeting the folks)

Brian and I are doing good at the moment, although we've each had our issues over the past few weeks. We still have a ways to go but only time will allow us to work through these issues.

Our main issue is in different expectations of levels of communication. It wasn't that long ago that I lived with the person I was seeing, so I'm used to having/wanting frequent and easy communication, including things like "How was your day?", "What are you up to today?", or seeing each other regularly. On the other hand Brian hasn't had a major relationship like this before and is used to, as he put it, being able to disappear for a day or four because no one was interested in his day to day. He's often very busy and/or easily distracted with things, like family, friends, events, or even work. These polar opposite expectations led to a time when I smothered him with too much attention, and then he starved me with too little for a while.

It has also led me to realize that I'm leaning on him too hard and expecting too much. When we send a text or skype message I may sit there waiting anxiously for a reply, but it might be quite a few minutes or several hours before one comes. This leaves me getting anxious and disappointed, potentially moody, and likely to get snippy. Now, though, I'm beginning to understand and accept that I can't, nor should I, have that and will be trying a new method of communication of "fire and forget" or, put more appropriately, "send and move on". I also can't expect to know the details of what all he's up to, as that's bordering on controlling (even if I'm not trying to change anything) or obsessive. So ultimately I will accept what he wants to tell me, ask if I don't have enough information to understand, but not pry into anything he doesn't volunteer.

Only time will tell where we go from here.

Oh, I did get to meet his mom and brother last week. We were about to depart from the game night before eventually leaving separately when his mom called him saying she was going to stop by to meet the group. She actually only met me, and then I went back to their place to play more games and even spend the night on the couch with Brian. It was nice, and I would do it again.
Tags: relationships
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