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The Autobiography of Russell
Life from a different perspective
State of the life: Dates? Sex? Relationships? Nope.
This is going to be a semi-angst and depression heavy entry, so if you don't want to hear any of that then go ahead and skip past it.

In the past few weeks there's been a lot going on with work, yet my personal life has been languishing. I'm beginning to accept that that's just the way it is, though not without some remorse. Depressed, hopeless, and restless would be a good summary of my mood lately. Attention-seeking is also a potentially valid description.

I'm not photogenic, cute, or attractive at all. Every time I look in a mirror, every morning and every time I use the restroom, I realize I have no chance. Red bumps, craters, receding and thinning hair, major widows peak, etc. It quickly becomes clear that almost everyone who contacts me is just interested in a warm body for sex so I don't bother. I don't think anyone owes me anything and I don't really believe in "Mr Right" so that's just the way things are.

Have you ever listened to someone as they talk to someone they're attracted to and notice how their voice and behavior differs compared to how they might be to anyone else? I remember seeing this distinctly, many years ago, with someone I had a crush on at my first job. It was in that moment when observing them with this other person that I realized I had no chance with them. Right now I'm having trouble remembering anyone acting that way toward me so I'm starting to think it means no one is actually interested in me that way. ... No, I take that back, there was a girl at the dance class who seemed to be acting that way a few times. *face-palm*

This weekend I blanked my OkCupid profile. It has had largely the same text for a long time and, while still relevant, it was starting to feel stale. I'll go back within the next few days and start filling out the profile from scratch and hopefully with some new tidbits. I need new photos to put up. I only have maybe one per year that I think is half-decent so most of them are very old (2+ years). All but one picture was removed as well.

I'll be at Penguicon in a few days. I'm at least a little tempted to make a point of getting friendly with someone there and see where it goes. I hesitate to think of it as a hookup as I don't want just sex. I want the pillow talk, the cuddling, and morning-after breakfast.

Speaking of sex, I've also begun to think of my preferred sexual position as "other" (or 'neither'). I'm sure that will confuse most gays who think of it only in terms of top or bottom as the ultimate goal, but there you have it. I haven't found myself interested in either position lately and just want other stuff.


Tags: , ,
Current Mood: disappointed disappointed

6 comments or Leave a comment
marklevoyageur From: marklevoyageur Date: April 22nd, 2013 05:59 pm (UTC) (Link)
Well, for what it’s worth. Not much I suppose. I think you are a beautiful person and tenacious for moving around the country by yourself as you have done.
zimzat From: zimzat Date: May 6th, 2013 04:24 pm (UTC) (Link)
Thank you for the kind words. It helps to know at least a few people out there think positively of me. When it seems like everyone at work couldn't care less who you are it gets lonely sometimes. So, again, thank you.
lakeguy From: lakeguy Date: April 22nd, 2013 09:49 pm (UTC) (Link)
top or bottom is overrated

there are a lot of guys out there who don't like anal and are having a hard time figuring out where they fit in

zimzat From: zimzat Date: May 6th, 2013 04:27 pm (UTC) (Link)
It's true. I guess I should stop hanging around apps that pretend to be used as socializing functions yet are truly just hookup apps.

We, the people who don't fit the stereotype should also speak up more and let it be known we're not the stereotype and that that's okay. It might help a few people out there, and it might help us find more like-minded people and realize we're not alone.

As for me, I accept that I just don't fit it. Gets a bit lonely at times, but at least I don't feel fake for it.
legolastn From: legolastn Date: April 23rd, 2013 12:26 am (UTC) (Link)
Well you know there are people here who think you are photogenic/cute/attractive.

I get the usefulness of top/bottom distinctions but I do feel like it falls into the trap of limiting people with boxes and I prefer the idea of versatility, "it depends" (on the person/situation/etc), and of course the possibility of "other" as you say. I'm pretty sure if I were a blank slate, as it were, without influence of culture, other partners, etc my sexuality would be based around frottage moreso/rather than penetration. Although I enjoy a wide variety of things I'm not sure anything gets me worked up as quickly or as much.
zimzat From: zimzat Date: May 6th, 2013 05:12 pm (UTC) (Link)
Heheh, thanks. Which reminds me, I've been thinking about making a trip out to the east coast a few weeks from now to see people I haven't seen in several years. I don't have any timeframe in mind yet so I'll ping you again later about the idea once things at 'work' settle down again.

I understand the turn on factor as that's how I was at one point. Strangely, though, these days I find myself more turned off by the idea. Maybe it's a psychological thing due to fear of STIs, potential mess, startup time and effort, and potentially others. I know I've got trust issues so that's also likely a huge factor in my disinterest as well. But as I often say, to each their own. :)
6 comments or Leave a comment