Russell (zimzat) wrote,

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What I want, but how to better get it? No clue.

Back story: I recently traveled to Boston for a week against my better judgment. I took a chance on meeting a guy and it completely fell apart after the first day there. It was a very expensive lesson to learn that I should have listened to my gut. As a result of that I disabled my OkCupid profile and stopped trying.

We'll have to chat sometime about what you're after and how to better get it.

I've been giving some thought to this. It's come up in conversation once or twice more since it was said it as well.

I think what I ultimately want is validation. For someone who I think is worth the effort to think that I'm worth the effort. The cliche is that other people can't validate you, but if they don't then how do you know you're doing right. Even in a work relationship it's all about validation; what can you do for them that they need. When you do it and get a 'job well done' (or not fired in exchange for a paycheck, as seems to be the more common gratification) it validates the relationship. How so many people can stay in work relationships that aren't validating except for a paycheck, I have no idea.

But approaching a relationship like that puts a lot of pressure on things that most people aren't able to handle or don't realize that's what it boils down to. Enjoying someone's company is validating appreciation of their presence. Enjoying sex is validating their ability to perform in bed. Enjoying conversation with them is validation of their intellect and thought.

Right now I'm approaching the reactivation of my OkCupid profile as a 'just wait one more day' thing. I definitely didn't want to do it on Valentine's Day, or the day after, I'm kind of busy at the moment so I shouldn't put that much time into it so perhaps in a few more days. And then I'm still considering about moving away. Maybe at this rate it will stay disabled until after I do, but who knows at this point.

There's a really cute ginger guy sitting near me at Starbucks. It's tempted to strike up a conversation. And then another cute guy sat down nearby. And there's an adorable guy I've seen working at a different starbucks nearby who seems to be on a date with a guy (who is not so cute, because he's shaved his head which is not my thing, but he sounds like a nice guy). I'm surrounded by physically cute and attractive guys. But mentally? I have no clue, and I have no reason to connect with them. I don't even know if they're gay or would want to socialize. Sometimes I crave human presence and contact, but the best I know how to do is go to a place that other people have agreed via unspoken rules to share for a time.

And there goes the ginger guy. heh.

Pathetic. I got nothing to say for myself.

Back on topic: Some would say the reason I have trouble is that I'm too stringent / not lenient enough about standards and expectations. Except I know what I want and I know what sort of behavior it takes to fulfill it, and very few people follow through with that. Looks matter, but I have a wide range of physical features I like that it's not nearly as big of an issue as finding someone who matches in other ways. I'm not interested in alcohol or dancing so meeting at clubs goes right out the window. When I say I want someone who thinks I'm worth the effort, that means they need to pay attention and try to actually please me; I've way too many encounters where it's just me putting forth the effort of pleasing them and they just sit/lay there and do nothing. I mean that I want to hear their voice more than when they feel like having sex or are bored and can't find anything else to do. I don't want their every waking moment, but I do want them to make the time more than once a week to say more than a few words via one or two text messages. A 15 minute phone call would do the trick. A short IM conversation would do the trick. An email would do the trick. But a text message of "Good morning" and "How did you sleep" and "How are you" isn't enough. It's not nearly enough. Especially when the reciprocated question responses from them are "Good morning" and "Fine" and "Good".

No... *shakes head* I don't feel that I'm being too stringent or expecting too much.
Tags: guys, life, rants, relationships

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