Russell (zimzat) wrote,

"A bomb that deactivates by exploding." - Rick Moscatello (My College Algebra teacher)

Wrote before/as math class started.

Almost 6pm and I'm sitting in math class. I have my mp3 player turned up a ways to try to psych myself a bit cause right now I'm pretty much ready to get up and walk out and not come back until my speech tomorrow night. Yeah, completely sapped of energy. I'ts been a long time since I've felt like this. So long, in fact, I almost don't remember it. If only I didn't have obligations tomorrow. Physical Science project group, History notes for someone whose name I have no idea who is, and a informative speech I have to give.

What's really getting me down emotionally is I feel so closeted, despite not being closeted. I wonder now if I'm really out or just fooling myself into thinking that. I see quite a few cute guys, gay looking guys, etc and wonder how the heck I'm supposed to meet these people and, maybe someday, date one (?) of them. Sadly most of them smoke and, most likely, drink. [I may let the person I get with smoke, but drinking is a absolute no.]

Class has been going for a few minutes now and I'm pretty much ignoring the class. I might be better off just leaving class.

I seriously need to eat. I'm starving and I feel like my stomach is getting smaller as my appetite is doing the same. I feel hungry right now that I also feel sick. This is not good. So... ugh...

Luke and I seem to have come to an agreement. He'll stop calling me Kyle [from Road Trip] and I won't call him Kyle in exchange he gets to call me Russ. I know, I usually reserve that for people that like me but I don't care anymore. I'm letting myself fall under the delusion that I'm social now and have people that I can talk to.

I've come to ... fret over Tuesday Nights, and several days in advance. This is killing me emotionally and screwing up just about every other aspect of my life. My health is the one I feel most concerned with that it is affecting. Not eating much, very energyless, major brain freeze when I try to think, and many other things physically, mentally, and emotionally.

Like now. I've thought about as much as my brain wants to. I get *pause a few minutes to listen to teacher talk about new concept* umm, I've gotten just about as much as I can from my brain without spending several moments thinking about what I want to write.

So in summary, I have very little energy. I'm questioning my identity, I'm malnutritioned beyond my absurb normal, I'm becoming delusional, I'm letting Nicholas get to me, and my brain doesn't want to think.

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